33 days at sea and the relentless strain on our minds and bodies is now very obvious to the eye. the pain from the sores on our bums has reached new levels. I’ve just had to sit on an infected sore for 2 hours whilst the waves sway me from side to side spreading and stretching the skin again and again and again. it is incredibly unnatural putting yourself through the agony we are when relief could come in the form of lying on our fronts. however, this is not an option for us as it would lead to a slacking in discipline which is unacceptable given the circumstances. worse though than the sores are our testicles. a rash has completely covered mine and when they come into contact with anything other than air, they give off a burning sensation that spreads. other than my new invention – the Cocksock, I’m utterly helpless. the cure from this pain is simple, but it is the one thing we do not have the luxury of. I’m talking about rest.
if 10 is burning yourself on a kettle then I’m constantly on 6 and it can reach 8 for a matter of hours at a time.
my mind has had to endure more than it ever has before and it will likely ever have to (maybe). the only comfort comes in knowing that within 21 days, hopefully 19, we will have reached the end of this life altering voyage. things that once seemed hard will appear manageable, and tasks that all look upon as impossible, i will pursue. Why will this happen? when you push yourself as far out of your comfort zone as i have, there lies little outside of it still.
my two ipods have both broken (my fault and certainly not my fault). only the one my dad gave me remains, and having listened to the simple minds album over 15 times and exhausted the audiobook library, i have nothing to stimulate me on our long long long shifts.
my hands our as tough as sand paper and beyond being able to bleed. Luke complained when i applied sun lotion to his back yesterday. the 45 degree Celsius cabin is becoming more and more unbearable as we head south. we have had to take to the deck during the day in hope of catching a few minutes sleep. of course we never do, this would be to easy.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the past weeks. for one, and to my surprise, i’m actually a tough, disciplined bastard, and when the going gets tough, i bloody get going. this is not to say that i haven’t broken down and sobbed a handful of times.
when my mind wonders i think of the following in great depth.
– girls (past, present) mistakes i’ve made, mistakes they’ve made (lots hah)
-motorbikes (future trips)
– career paths (there are 3 options)
– Next adventures (there are 3 i will have hopefully completed within the next 4 years).
– my family and extended family
– the two dachshund puppies we are to get on my return
living abnormally like we do out here has made me certain how a normal life and career is so not going to be the way for me. that’s not to say i look down upon those who will choose these routes, far from it in fact, but it has been made clear to me that I’m not suited to it. i write arrogantly i think, constantly talking about me and my thoughts and my feelings, but I’ve just spent so much bloody time with myself that i can’t thing about anything else!
I am feeling low at the moment. i do get this way sometimes, even in normal life. to quote my mother from a letter she wrote me ‘… you have always had the ability to feel very strongly. this as well as being a blessing can be a curse, as i know you can get very low sometimes. however, take comfort in knowing that you can and will (very shortly) feel incredibly high’. she is so right and i miss her along with dad and kit and rose beyond belief.
I’m currently lying in a pool of sweat on a roll mat. this means that when the boat gets thrown from side to side, i slide from left to right smashing into the cabin walls. my chicken korma with rice has rehydrated now so I’m going to tuck in.
I’m forever thankful for your support and i feel i must apologise for these ramblings but you’ll have to excuse me as I’m delirious. J